Am i Human

Fishing without Catching

2012-01-19T12:48:00.000-08:00

people seem to mistaken what it means to be fishers of men. They go out trying to convert convert convert as if that's the most important thing. But what does a fisher do? He fishes. He could spend the whole day fishing and never catch anything but that's okay in our lives because we're meant to fish, the catching part if up to God. What did Philip do with Nathanial? He said 'come and see for yourself.' He didn't try to convert him, he didn't try to tell him that he was wrong, he just shared and said look for yourself, i'm not here to tell you what's right or wrong, that is something you need to do for yourself.

Dare

2011-11-09T18:53:00.001-08:00

Dare to step out of your comfort zone? Dare to make a difference? Don't just passively accept life as it is... look around you. Act for God's sake!

We discover and connect to the world from the inside out. Our responses to world poverty for instance results from our ability or inability to empathize with those who suffer; it requires us to personalize rather than objectify their experience, to see the images and hear the voices of the world as they resonate within us. To make a difference in the world requires that we care about it, that we step beyond a passive acceptance of life. -Dane Ward

getting pulled under by the past

2011-05-30T20:55:00.000-07:00

I was in Banff the other day. Drove there, though I wish I could have ridden there, but I’m sure my bike would have collapsed under me in a pile of dust and destruction. I haven’t used this bike in years and it has gathered unwanted dust in its gears and rust is spreading like a disease. It was an old friend, it’s silver siding used to smile at me, used to take me everywhere, used to , used to, used to. It makes me think about how fleeting relationships can be. We can have all these connections, meet all these people in these different places and yet years later, you may not talk to them. You may think about what you used to do, what you used to talk about. We smile sadly at the things past. We smile with warm remembrance as the memories rush forth like a river rushing towards its weir, I keep thinking though that if we let ourselves get caught up by this rush we may get caught by the flow and we may drop. Drop drop drop. Drop into what? Would we drawn at the end? Would we be crushed by rocks just hiding beneath? I sigh and then I smile and wonder at the future.

Yearning for England

2011-05-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

Most days i go without even thinking about you. You are like a sweet fleeting memory in my mind, just a sweet and delectable aftertaste sometimes. How long as it been? Has it been months or years i can barely keep track anymore the days have flown by and the memory of you has slowly started seeping away. The desperate ache i once felt is now turning into a dull thud. Although just looking at the remnants i have of you or when i close my eyes i can almost feel my imagination fly me across the seas. I can almost feel what it would be like to be walking with you once more. Will i always remember you? Will i always desire to be surrounded by you? No matter the time that has passed? I may forget you one or two days, but you will always be there. Always calling and i'll always be yearning.

I was thinking today on a very long trip home about one my train rides. I was riding by myself and i remember looking out the window waiting to get to my stop, as the scenery was passing by i had this incredible feeling that gripped my bones. 'I can never leave this place'.

This all hit me today and it got me wondering what makes a place so incredible? Why would I, after being gone for 2 or so years still yearn for it? Sure, time heals, time makes people forget, but time does not erase. What makes a place so special that it stays in your memory years after you've gone? Is it the people, the atmosphere, the changes you under went... is it everything and nothing at the same time? It's something, it catches you and doesn't let you go. Can i say i'd feel the same way if i had a life changing experience in Nevada? Or if i made lovely friends in Arizona? Would I then yearn and love those places as much? Would i still feel this overwhelming sense of loss and shallowness once i left?

The biggest question yet is, why don't i feel this way toward God? Why don't i have this deep yearning whenever i think about him? Why don't i feel shallow and empty when i leave him? Sure, he overwhelms me sometimes. Sometimes i feel so small in comparison to his power. Sometimes all i want to do is love him more. Other times, i barely remember him, or yearn for him, or love him so greatly that i feel lost without him. Why don't i sit on a train and think 'I could never leave him?'

What is a Word without Action?

2011-03-25T18:07:00.000-07:00

I was talking to my roommate today and we were just walking around the little bit of forest that is around our University. There was these dead trees that lined the path and if you looked either way all you could see was these trees reaching up into the chilly Spring air. We were talking about what we wanted with life and where we saw ourselves headed.

It got me speculating again about what makes a person's story meaningful. We were talking about travelling, about making connections, about trying to live for God, and how this world held so many opportunities and how we didn't want to get tied down by family right away but wanted to experience life.

It reminded my of the stories a person play's out, the things a person does defines them. It got me thinking about how i define who i am? Do people see what i stand for through my actions? I can say i believe in helping the poor, or that i love lots and that i want to live a story that takes me across the globe reaching out to other people. But if i don't act upon these things, can i claim them?

I wish for my story to contain adventure, i wish for it to consist of pursuit and curiosity. I wish to come alive each and every day and give part of me to something bigger than me. I wish for change and radical ideas. I will fight with all that i am to create these things in my life, because to have what you dream is like finally biting into the perfect apple, the juice gushes out, some of it runs down your chin and all you can do is smile and know that you would eat a hundred bad apples just so you can taste this one.

What is it about Death that Creates a Legend?

2011-03-21T08:55:00.002-07:00

I have recently become quite obsessed, or maybe more like infatuated, which John Keats. I think maybe i like the tragedy of his life, it's bittersweet. He died believing he was a failure. Yet, he is one of the most loved English Romantic poets now.

What is it about death that creates a legend?

It is the same thing with Van Gogh, he only sold one painting in his whole entire painting career... yet so many artists now aspire to even touch his brilliance. Many other painters or musical geniuses are like this. Their death though, signified their brilliance recognized. How does that work? Is it only when something is taken from you that you realize what you had? Do we not appreciate what we have right in front of us?

That's easy to answer i suppose. No, not really. I was reading this book recently and it was getting into what we value and why we value it. It was quite brilliant actually, but it's odd, strang, sad, horrible, or just human to value things that don't matter, and we value the things that matter once they are gone. Death creates legend. My grandmere died a long time ago, i remember always hating to go visit her, i know i feel incredibly guilty about this, but it is true. Now, i wish i could go back and appreciate every second i had with her. I wish i could sit with her and talk to her, ask her about her experiences, i want her advise. She knew so much more than i do. But i didn't appreciate it, but in my mind, my grandmere is untouchable now. She is a legend in my head. Death has made me value her.

Death made us value Beethoven, Van Gogh, Keats. Death puts things in perspective. It makes us realize what we have, what we don't, and what we should be paying attention to. Many people like to ignore it, honestly, who wants to face their own mortality. But not facing it, we may be missing out on the beauty of life because we believe we are invincible. But the truth is, how do we know we are going to live through the next year, the next month, the next week. Anything could happen. This blog is pretty morbid, i realize, but the fact is, i want to see the legend now, i want to see brilliance and genius now and not when it's too late to appreciate it. How much more amazing would it have been to actually sit down with Keats, how much more amazing would it have been to sit with Van Gogh, to learn from him, rather than reading and admiring his work, after he is gone.

If we haven't faced death, than we've never really learned how to live.

confusion

2011-02-24T07:43:00.000-08:00

I believe i'm currently in a early twenty crisis. Honestly. I'm sitting here in my dorm room and i keep asking myself... what the heck am i doing with my life? Do i really want to be a psychologist? I'm graduating in a year and yet, I don't know! I have no idea. i don't even know why i'm in my degree... other than i find it interesting. But what am i going to do with it? I'm in this degree and suddenly my whole outlook, the outlook that i just won't worry and that life works itself out, is being torn into smithereens. Honestly. What the heck am i doing? I don't want to be in school. I feel like my time is being wasted. I want to help people. I want to do something! I don't want to sit around doing homework when there could be so much else i could be doing. But i don't do it. I make excuses about how much work i need to do and then later, i feel guilty. Guilty because i have so much. Guilty because i don't do enough. Guilty because i said to God... open my eyes and i'll do whatever you ask me to do. But i look back and ask myself. Have i done those things? Has he asked me to do something and i turned it down? Or is he asking me to finish my degree? Is he asking my to continue on this path that i'm on. Get my Bachelors, move on to a Masters and a PhD. Is that what he's asking me to do. Sometimes i just don't know. Or is there something i'm missing here? It's making me feel a little panicky. I try and remember his promise, that i shouldn't worry because if he cares about the tiniest of birds then he cares a heap load more for me. meaning... he's got my back.

I guess i just want to know. I want the control. I don't want to give up that control and just let go. It's scary giving your life to something you can't see. Something you try desperately to trust. It's hard. It's the hardest thing i've ever had to do. But i really don't have control. Even when I think I do, i think those times, I feel even more out of control and confused. All i can do is keep moving, keepy hoping that what i'm doing right now, this very moment, is useful and right.

what are we?

2011-01-26T07:51:00.000-08:00

-you may be the best singer, have the highest morals, you may have the highest grades, you may have your dream job, you may even be the most charitable person out there, but without love, you have nothing.-

I feel kind of corny talking about love, i mean what can you say without sounding incredibly cheesy and full of cliche. The idea itself, i suppose is a little stereotyped. Do we have a complete grasp of the idea? But honestly, what are we without love? if we trash talk that strange person or even your friend, if we don't make friends with the person who has no one... if we walk past the man who has no food, no home, no love... what are we? If we can't even smile at the person we pass what are we really?

i feel weird saying these things because i think how do i display love? i know i fail, i know i have so many shortcomings when it comes to loving my fellow beings. Am i really the person to say anything about love for people. I don't know, i don't know much. All i can say is that i pray that i get His heart for just one moment so that i may get an idea of what love really means.

i want to be

2011-01-22T14:01:00.000-08:00

I refuse to just see a country... i want to be in that counrty
i refuse to just look at art... i want to see what the artist portrayed
i refuse to just hear music played... i want to listen to what it's saying
i refuse to just follow the path... i want to pave my own

.....

2011-01-04T17:24:00.000-08:00

So my change is here, so what am i going to do with it?

Guilt

2010-12-23T14:02:00.000-08:00

I'm on break right now, i have two weeks were there are no expectations on me, other than to have an awesome Christmas break. I don't live close to anything. I don't have anything to do, other than to follow my own imagination. But i'm hardly being productive. I feel guilty. As if i'm not doing enough, as if there is other things that i should be doing rather than the things i actually WANT to do. I've been in school so long that its ingrained in me that i need to keep up this constant state of near mania and now that i'm not feeling that mania, i don't feel like what i'm doing is worth anything. But when did school work and stress become the status quo. When did they become what gives a person their worth? Is not worth doing whatever makes us come alive?

New Chapters

2010-12-10T15:39:00.000-08:00

The closer it comes to the end, the more it hits me that this part of my life, this chapter of my life is closing, and a new one is beginning. I can't help but feel excited about the prospect. The oppurtunities that i'm facing, the changes in me that will happen because of this change i'm making. I'm also realizing how much i've changed because i've been here. It really makes me appreciate that even though you may not exactly adore the place you are in, you may even hate it, even though you want to leave, you can still learn from it. It can still be an important step for you to take to creating even more of yourself. I'm looking out the window into the streets of this quite little town, and i know i will miss it. I know that my time here has opened my eyes to parts of myself that needed looking at. It made me realize that if i wanted change in my life, change in myself, i couldn't rely on things just happening to me as i've always done. I have to make it happen. i have to consciously choose that i need to create something, need to DO something. Who i am, what i am becoming lies in my ability to make that choice. God can take the reigns after that choice, but he can't do anything unless you see the need yourself. You need to be able to want to change. Once you get past that, once you get past the idea that your not perfect, that there are deficiencies, let go of your ego, let go of what you think you are and let God lead, you may be surprised, as i have been surprised countless times, of what you can be.

Motives

2010-12-08T22:07:00.000-08:00

am i leaving because i'm trying to recreate something that's already past? Or am i leaving because the future holds the passion i'm searching for?

An image is worth a thousand words

2010-12-04T18:22:00.001-08:00

The snow was falling down in torrents as i pushed my way into an over-crowded coffee shop. My friends soon followed behind me, shaking off the snow that covered them like blankets, we walked up to the counter and tried to hear the barrista over the low din of voices. We ordered some fancy lattes and sat down on the coaches in the far corner. The fire was blazing high as we sat around staring at the dancing flames, our faces tinged red and our silence grew longer. Each lost in on the wings of some other thought. I looked out the window, into the night, the snowflakes floated down towards the earth, they glowed white against the night sky. Other people were venturing out into winter's grasp, large coats and expensive scarves adorned their bodies, probably Channel or some other one that claimed to have the best quality winter attire. but then i saw her. She was small, she looked about eight years old, but must have been older, her eyes told stories that i knew my own comfortable life couldn't ever truly understand. She was standing underneath an awning. A ragged blanket was wrapped around her frame. An older woman, probably her mother, held onto her hand, they were both staring into the warm ambiance of the coffee shop. I stared at them for a few minutes before the woman turned away and they started to walk down the street, hand in hand. Before they turned the corner to be out of sight, the girl lifted her face to the sky, her other arm lifted up, trying to catch the snowflakes in her gloved hand. Her mum looked down at her child, and this, i will never forget, she twirled her daughter as if she was a ballerina and then they danced on that street corner, both faces upturned to the heavens.

An image is worth a thousand words, and that one will stick with me for ages. It was the most beautiful thing i had seen in a while.

..

2010-12-03T04:42:00.000-08:00

Kakuzo Okakaura once said the art of life is a constant readjustment to your surrondings.

i kind of liked that. that life is just about readjusting yourself, creating more of yourself. you can't keep on the same path because then your life will never change, will never progress.

because life is

2010-11-22T18:20:00.001-08:00

I forgot how much i loved airports. I love the busyness, i love the smells, the noise, i love that child that is twirling in circles that everyone misses because they are too busy trying to get to their gate. But most of all, i love the feeling of actually going somewhere. It's wonderful. Sitting in your seat, shifting every two moments in those uncomfortable airport seats, but it's okay because you are on your way to something great. i love staring futilely at the airplanes that are on the runway, swiftly moving, rising gently into the air like a mother cradling its baby. I watch and all i can imagine is being on one myself. Feeling myself lift into the air and to wonder amazingly how i can soar across the land so greatly like i have no boundaries, no limitations. The sky is mine. This unsettled emotion fills me as i wait for the landing, and i think, what if there is a snow storm, or major turbulence, or what if the engine breaks down. We would have to diverge into a different path. We'd set down somewhere else, the path we were on suddenly isn't right. We must change course. The possibilities of where we could go are... endless. Then i end the imagination and i just look around me. I see the people. I see the movement of these bodies, massed into a clump of expectation for something great and i'm reminded how true that can be

Don't close your eyes.

2010-11-11T22:42:00.000-08:00

Don't close your eyes. This is your life, are you who you want to be, this is your life, is it everything that you dreamed it would be, when the world was younger and you had everything to lose.

I was sitting at work listening to some Switchfoot when i heard these lyrics. For some reason, it really hit me. I mean, the concept is simple. Am i what i want to be? Is... this... me? I can't help but think about how easy it is to get caught up in school and homework and trying to get to the next step. Trying to fit into what you want to be... trying to make sure that you won't regret what you became. Whether it's a lawyer, psychologist, poet, graphic designer... whatever. No one wants to fit into something that isn't them... correct? I don't want a career that doesn't work for me. So i focus on trying not to be another statistic of people who hate their jobs. This is my quest. It's noble enough i suppose. I search out the meaning in my life and try and fit that into what i want. But then it hits me... don't close your eyes.

don't close your eyes

it kind of reminds me of this talk i heard a few weeks ago when the girl speaking just said... you know, you don't need to worry about it, God's got it. We don't need to spend all our time trying to be in the driver's seat. Someone else knows better. We can let go. We can live. I'm trying to make sure that i won't regret what i become. but what about what i am? Right now. What about that:? Am i who i want to be? Am i letting myself live today so that i can be what i need to be tomorrow?

sometimes... i can say no to that.

But doesn't the here and now matter?

2010-11-07T14:48:00.001-08:00

I was having this conversation once with a buddy of mine. I was having hard time figuring out what i was doing and what i wanted to do with my life, if i wanted to transfer schools or not. I had ideas, a general idea of where i wanted to end up. But i hate setting things in concrete. I don't like the idea that everything is planned out. We were sitting in the library and i remember him laying down his pencil after a long groan of frustration on my end.

"kasyn... you need to stop searching for the better school, or the better teachers, you need to stop looking for the best degree for you. Because in the end, all that doesn't matter. All you need to do is get through this, get your degree, and move on. What we do here, doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things and if you waste your time trying to find perfection at this moment, you're not going to be moving anywhere..."

i remember feeling a little down by his comment. I mean, it makes sense. I don't want to spend countless years and lots of money in undergraduate study... but i remember replying to him

"but... but i want life to be beautiful now!"

importance

2010-11-05T17:58:00.001-07:00

For there was never such a thing that could deter a person most than the feeling of unimportance. I remember this once i had gotten this new job. I was pretty excited about it. I mean, it had to do with editing and i thought it would be an interesting experience to be involved with it. Plus, i loved writing. Being an editor would be awesome because than i could see all the beautiful writing first, before anyone else could ever see it. There was three of us that were hired to perform the same job. Us three were meant to work together like peanut and jam work together to make a delicious tasting sandwich.

It was hell the first few weeks. I couldn't figure out if i was the peanut butter, or the jam, or if i was just that excess jam on the sandwich that is unneeded and actually makes the sandwich taste too sweet and kind of gross. I went to work, read these people's work... which the funny think about editing is that we couldn't change a whole lot other than grammar, and some of the writing was tripe. Complete tripe. I'm being completely honest. Most of it was crap. It was like every time i read this work it was like i was sitting in a classroom and the class clown decided it would be funny to scratch his fingers down the chalk board. But it's not funny. It's painful. It makes me want to scream or shout, or just tear up the paper.

It wasn't just that. I realized i wasn't the best. There was the other two, and they were good. They knew the rules. They knew what the style book said. They were like grammar police and what did i have to offer? I edited so it sounded good. But where was my place? They were Batman and i was attempting to be Robin, but if Robin didn't exist, would Batman still be able to do his job... um. yes. That would be asking if the sun still shines when you close your eyes.

But i still went to work, i got all the papers first and went through them to make sure everything sounded smooth, marked it up a bit, but then, whenever i saw it again, there would be double the marks. I'd always ask myself... how could i have missed all of that? Do they really need me?

I remember I was walking down the street one day, the sun was shining and i had a smoothie in my hand, a peach smoothie, which was divine, and i was just enjoying the day. I sat down on a bench staring out across the street, watching a musical band playing on the opposite side. They had a guitarist, a singer, and someone in the background playing the drums. It made me think of how everyone always fawns over the singer and even the guitar player. The drum man is always forgotten, but honestly, without the drummer, the music would probably stink. (of course, i'm speaking of rock bands). It hit me, that maybe, just maybe, i was kind of like the drummer. I was in the background of the production. I may not be either the jam or the peanut butter, but actually the bread? Maybe i had found my place, i was the foundation, who marked up the obvious things, i watched their back, maybe i was like Robin. i made it easier to get through and then they could go through it and jazz it up without aving to worry about some enemy stabbing them in the back while they were fighting the bad guys.

I

2010-10-19T12:28:00.001-07:00

I remember this once i had this staring contest with this person. For some reason, when i got up from my chair, he was sitting down and our eyes were like two oppositely charged atoms getting pulled together swiftly. I didn't know them. I didn't know their name, their age, where they came from, or where they are going. I still don't know. But for that moment, it felt like we were connected. It was strange. Disconcerting. Like a look into the eye was something private. Something only close friends shared. Something that people who cared about one another did.

Since then, i've always looked into another eye.

Intolerance for the Intolerant

2010-09-29T15:38:00.002-07:00

I was sitting in a cafe yesterday, stirring the tea leaves at the bottom of the cup around, watching them dance, form some sort of picture before transforming into another. I'm sure someone might have been able to tell me what those blobs meant and whether or not it meant i was going to have a good life or not, but that person wasn't in the cafe so i suppose my life is left, once again, up to chance.

Beside me, at another table, there was these two people, in all respects, like me. They had two eyes, a brain, hair, hands, clothes... these was nothing particular about them. We might have been friends in another life. They were leaning over their coffee's and i could tell it was in some sort of conversation that really mattered to both of them. I'll admit, i'm a sucker for intense debate so i tuned in.

Essentially, they were talking about what the media calls the ground zero mosque or other such nonsense. They were saying how disrespectful it was to allow it, how it let the Muslims win... as if there was a winning side. They went on for a bit longer, but i couldn't listen anymore, i stood up and left. But as i walked out the door i caught myself thinking... does my intolerance for the intolerant make me any better than them?

different synapses in our heads now

2010-09-05T12:25:00.000-07:00

I was up to thinking last night. Staring at the roof over my bed i couldn't help it but my mind strayed to the past. Past England, past expulsion, past events that i feel shaped me into what i am today. I simply remembered people, it's been three years since i've seen some of these people. Three years. How can three years pass just like that, i never gave it permission. And yet i'm sitting here and i'm astonished that some people, people that i counted as some of my best friends back then i haven't talked to properly since then. As if as soon as i left that part of my life i shed them off as well. But what can you expect, living in another country, on another continent! The ocean between you is more than just physical. Soon, three years fly swiftly by and you realize that the people you once knew you barely know anymore and the silence of three years clings and it's just easier to let it hang between you rather than try and cut it down. Maybe it's because there is nothing left to say, maybe because if you see them you are afraid to see images of yourself still in them or maybe that is all relationships are. People come in and out of your lives, you grow, you learn, and if your lucky you'll have them around and each can benefit from how time molds us like play doe, bur a few months can change a person let alone what three years can do and sometimes the silence can't be bridged.

Hopping all over the place

2010-08-31T19:52:00.000-07:00

Some people say that time will let you make the best decision possible, but time only delay's and makes the individual second guess their intuition.

2010-08-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

The only thing changeless is change. I'm not really sure what direction i'm supposed to be heading or if that is even a question. I have this thing with 'everything happens for a reason', it's this dance we play. Though it wins more often than not as i'm terrified of stepping on it's toes. The problem i have is that i want it to happen for the right reason.

whatever that is.

Decisions Aren't Like Music

2010-08-22T15:29:00.000-07:00

What the heck am i doing...

strength

2010-08-20T15:21:00.001-07:00

These last few days i haven't felt very strong. People say that God gives you strength, but i cried out to him and i still felt so weak. I began to wonder, felt a question probe my mind and although i tried batting it away, it came back like a mosquito in the night. I began to wonder if maybe the strength to take yourself out of a situation that isn't good for you rests on you alone. That maybe God doesn't play that kind of role in your life, but then, if he doesn't, what role does he play?

2010-08-10T23:54:00.001-07:00

art by me

And this, our life, exempt from public haunt, finds tongues in trees, books in the running brooks, sermons in stones, and good in everything. ~William Shakespeare

2010-08-10T20:08:00.001-07:00

I was walking out of my flat today when i noticed that the man i share a wall with was pulling into his drive way. 5:20 pm, like every other night, alone, going to his flat, where i've never heard noise before. Our eyes met, we've always been friendly so I flashed him a smile. A smile back as he backs up into his parking spot. A smile not ready to realize that there won't be another smile for the rest of the night. He climbs out of his car, slowly, lethargically even, like there was nothing left for him. He was only 25. I walked up to him, touched his shoulder and hugged him. Right there. i hugged him. What more could i have done?

2010-08-07T20:31:00.001-07:00

I hear happy voices outside, of people who are grasping the fading hours of their Saturday and fighting against the night. I'm sitting in my room, alone, staring at the glaring computer screen that seems to mock my every existence. I contemplate what it would be like to run down the stairs and take my place among the dancing people in the street. I'm sure it would be beautiful. But just as the thought hits me my computer hums it's lonely tune and I'm reminded of all the exams and papers due in the next week and how unprepared i feel for the coming week of doom. I shut my window, blocking out any chance of freedom for my Saturday night before i once again hunch over the keys, trying to keep my eyes from glazing over i start to type...

What is here and now

2010-08-03T19:25:00.000-07:00

This morning i woke up at 6 to go for a run before the walla walla heat came blasting down like a flaming torpedo of fire. I was just heading outside, ear bids securely in my ears, it was playing radiohead. i love radiohead for the record. They are one of those artists that i can turn on one of their songs and push repeat and get completely lost in the music. So i was stepping outside of the dorm, ready to start moving my feet a little faster than i usually do but as i walking briefly down the sidewalk i got this weird feeling, like everything, for that moment, was pure perfection. It reminded me that there is something bigger in this world that holds everything together. Like everything that was presently happening was the most important thing to happen and yet everything that was yet to come was also interwoven so perfectly together at the same time. I couldn't start running, for fear of ruining it. But there was something really wonderful then. These moments don't come that often, moments of pure joy and contentment that you can barely even put into words the feeling. All i know is that the early morning sun and the night breaking into day chill were combining in that moment like a dance and it hit me again. This moment, what we have here, and now. What is present... that is what matters. It's here, it's now and there is something kind of magnificent about the mundane parts of our day that are just incredibly beautiful and can still tell us of God's love.

Words without worth

2010-08-01T16:15:00.000-07:00

There is something about silence that escapes us. It scares us, we'll cover it up with the most inconsequential subjects because if we're talking... that means we're connecting... right?

Why walk when you can jump

2010-07-31T20:13:00.000-07:00

Pretend Kiernan McMullan

Straight out of the vein and into the revolution

Take our junkies, our homeless, and our weak

Fill them up with solid expectations

The end never really justified the means

Move up, get out, get off on the assumption

That we're all too stupid and naive
Livin a life of explanation

That lacked just a little bit of stability

Put it all into perspective

You've only got yourself to blame

It seems we only ever hang our heads in needless shame and need I name

Everyone who botched it up or caused a fuss right, wrong or indifferent

Such are the times that stay heavy even after they're gone

Strength can move mountains but it takes too long

And I know that some days we think we're better than most

But your high horse won't buy somebody elses clothes

Throw away the greed and the preconcieved

Without sounding like you're gonna start to pawn and preach

Take on an attitude that scares and shocks

Saying peace cannot be found inside a cereal box

I guess it comes down to the sleepness nights,

The drunken fights, the right to be wrong or right

And who knows when all of this may come to an end
Cuz man life's just peachy when its all pretend

Straight out of the vein and into the revolution

Take our junkies, our homeless, and our weak

Fill them up with solid expectations

The end never really justified the means

Move up, get out, get off on the assumption

That we're all too stupid and naive

Livin a life of explanation

That lacked just a little bit of stability

Image by kevindooley via Flickr

There would be nothing

2010-07-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

We are terrified of being less than perfect
but what would perfect be
if there was no weakness?

What is success if there was no failure?

Starring into the Clouds, hoping for an answer

2010-07-24T13:28:00.000-07:00

For some reason, you keep giving me another chance. Most of the time i don't know what i'm doing. I make it up on the spot, improvise and only hope that i chose the right thing. But who really knows, how much easier would it be if we had this manual for life. Something that told exactly what to do, when to do it, and what to say. Then we wouldn't be faced with those awkward moments, those times were there was silence and we both realize that there isn't anything left to say, or those moments where there is just so much pain you don't know what to do with yourself. Maybe that is why we always seem to buy self-help books, or go to therapy or look up to someone who seems to have it all together. We are constantly searching to make our life more meaningful and if we look closely at our life, sometimes we wonder what has the meaning been thus far? Has it just been made up of random moments that we hope amounts to something.

When i look back at my life, what do i see? Well i know i don't remember half of it. not nearly half of it. It makes me wonder than what has it all meant? I think we all ask that question from time to time, desperately searching for something in our lives to tell us that we are doing it right. I don't think we'll ever truly know, and i don't think any one person has it all together, we are just a bunch of people put into this world and God only knows what our purpose is. We may be able to piece it together in retrospect, but can anyone truly say ' i know what i'm meant to do?'

2010-07-19T22:06:00.000-07:00

Image by ...-Wink-... via Flickr

inadequate... but still growing

Mirrored Parking Lots

2010-07-16T21:34:00.001-07:00

I'm sitting on my bed having a conversation with one of my friends that i met over in England. We're having this conversation about how it's like to work at camp. During our conversation she mentions having to get up at 4 am in the morning everyday. It's a pretty big sacrifice, i know, for her, but she says that it's worth it and it gets the job done. She dolls out permits and parking tickets, and the only annoying thing is, is when people get mad because there is parking overflow.

Parking Overflow.

As if that was the biggest problem out there. They get frustrated because there is a lot of other people who want to be at the same place. They get angry, a little red in the face... over parking... at camp... in a christian envionrment. Whatever happened to give the man not only your cloak but your jacket too? I sat on my bed and leaned against the bedpost and wished for a moment that every one's problem were as bad as parking lots.Leaving my bed and I walked over to the mirror and stared at it. I stared back at myself for a second before it really hit me.

What can i claim?
i look away from the mirror. It's always hard to look sometimes and see how messy it really is.

2010-07-10T17:09:00.000-07:00

So i'm taking classes and one of them is statistics. I work on this class every waking moment of my life. There is something about numbers that just don't add up easily in my head. So i work on it, taking tiny baby steps at a time hoping that the accumulation of all these small steps will lead me to take bigger ones and bigger ones still. Today i thought i reached that point - i thought i took a big step. Turns out that my perception was way off and it's time to make a new one.

One Thing is a Stomach of Worms

2010-06-26T02:48:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i feel like i should figure out what i should do with my life. You know? It would be kind of nice having a direction so i don't feel like a floundering fish. But i just hate the idea of subscribing to ONE thing. How monotonous does that sound? What is the one thing that i want to do with the rest of my life. one thing. how can anyone be expected to know or even WANT to do one thing? The idea makes my stomach sick... sick meaning that it feels like a bunch of squirmy worms are swimming in the put of my stomach. It's not pleasant let me tell you. There is so much out there... so many things you COULD be. the possibilities are endless they are like the dandelions that pop out in my backyard. get rid of one and another pops up. So i have a choice now, to run with the wind and see where it goes, no matter what direction it goes or how many times it changes. Or i could ignore all pursuits and focus on one, but at least i'd have something.

nametag fades

2010-06-22T19:54:00.000-07:00

Of all the things i could be i know at least that i won't ever hold down an office job. I may not know much past that, but knowing that i won't be stuck behind a computer or sitting in my own cubicle with my name fading on my nametage brings me comfort for today.

There was a waterfall and no choice but to fall

2010-06-10T21:51:00.003-07:00

I've been here six months. six months. can i say that again... six bloody months! It's feels like falling off a waterfall, in one moment i'm at the beginning, i'm in England, looking over the edge and not sure if i'm going to be able to be able to handle the fall. I peer over and all i see is the fog below but beneath the fog i know there are rocks. big rocks. jagged rocks and if don't fall right, i may just become one with one of those rocks. I try to paddle back but it's impossible, the rapids are just too strong and they push me closer to the edge and i knew there was nothing to do but to try and fall with as much grace as possible. The next thing i know i'm at the bottom looking up and just like that 6 months have passed. It's a far way to the top, i can barely see it but i know it's there all the same because i can still feel the effects of being at the top and i wonder will i ever be able to climb back to the top?

or a better question still...

Am i supposed to climb to the top?

2010-06-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

*Photo by Maegs

Everything has Changed

William Fitzsimmons

Today i saw my father standing in the graveyard

looking very somber looking for his mom

when he finally found her he said that it was different

everything is different nothing's really changed

my brother would remember sitting in the hallway

waiting for my father both of us were scared

when the doorknob turned we took off for the stairway

looking for some cover trying to get away

a guide dog had to serve the role that you would not let

the mother of your children every really play

the office was a dungeon where you hid your fears of

what would really happen if no one ever came

i wonder if you blamed yourself for when she left you

by closing up the garage door and turning on the car

your father must have lost it your sister couldn't help you

but dad if you were lonely you had no where to turn
of father can't you see the pieces that have fallen on the ground
when you and mom decided nothing could be saved inside this house

everything has changed

last night i had a dream that i was in the graveyard

looking at my father buried in the ground

i'd swear that i could hear him tell me he was sorry

he told me he was sorry and everything has changed

Propelling us Forward

2010-05-29T20:54:00.000-07:00

Can we ever make up for lost time?
Can a father make up time with an estranged daughter?
Can an innocent victim get the life they lost back?
Can a cancer patient regain the time they spent in the hospital?
Can a person regain the years the spent wishing for a different life?

We may never get the years, days, moments back that we lost somehow along the way. We may loose hours or years and we can never get those back. but that doesn't mean that a new day won't begin. There may be a drought but one day the rain will begin again. We are not caged by what we've been before, but rather what we've been can push us into what we're meant to be.

.

2010-05-27T21:31:00.000-07:00

It's strange.
i looked out the window today and all i see is the rain clouds.
but only yesturday there was sun

The Man with the Briefcase

2010-05-25T14:08:00.001-07:00

I noticed another person, a man this time enter the park. He had a sauntering walk, head held high and his shiny black shoes seemed out of place here. He held a briefcase in his hand and a chain connected it to his wrist. I wondered briefly if this would actually keep robbers from trying to take his expensive looking case. He walked passed the woman with the red lips, brow furrowed, frown in place like a man who had forgotten how to smile. She recoiled as his shadow fell upon her, as if the mere touch of the darkness was like a rattles venomous bite.

TBC

...

2010-05-23T16:29:00.000-07:00

am i blessed? or am i just lucky?

if i were to be blessed then why doesn't God bless everyone equally?

if i were lucky... where is God's hand in my life?

The woman with Red Lips

2010-05-18T12:23:00.003-07:00

I met this person the other day. She had high heels and a short skirt. Her lips were painted red and her eyes were midnight black. She was sitting on the park bench; legs crossed and a cigarette dangled from her hands. A woman and a child walked passed and I noticed that the woman, who previously let the child run loose like bird in the sky quickly called the child to her side and grabbed his hand tightly walking stiffly passed the woman with red lips.

TBC

Courage

2010-05-17T10:56:00.000-07:00

I have always liked Matthew West's 'Motions' or that one line anyway really gets me. It makes me think, really hard. It isn't a hard concept but every time i hear it it shoots through me like lightening.

'what if i had given everything?'

It makes me stop for a bit and wonder, have i given everything? Am i playing it safe? Am i truly living? Or am i hiding in my library cubicle as if the textbook in front of me will have all the answers that i'll ever need.

I don't want to look back 10 years from now and think if i had just opened up a little more, if i had given a little more i would have been in a completely different place nor do I want to be at God's gates and have him say 'if only you had given more'.

The concept of change is a hard one. It's like finally cleaning out your attic, an attic that has been passed generation to generation and now has centuries of mold, dust, and junk just piled up in it. It going to take a long time to clean, but slowly that desk with the missing leg or the broken bookcase of your great grandmothers gets cleaned out. Small changes can lead up to a major difference.

I may never give the most, but i'll have the courage to give everything that i have, now. And i think- that's all that really matters. that in the moment, you give all you have. to God, to life, to connections, to people.

Safety

2010-05-16T12:56:00.003-07:00

If i could be whatever i wanted to be i'd be an artist, i'd be a writer and a rock climber just so i could get to top of the mountain and be a singer who'd scream at the top of her lungs. If i could be anything, inhibited by nothing, i would be a psychologist and a compposer in leisure. i'd be a cafe owner who wrote tales by night and chased photo's by day. I'd be a lover, who loved more and hated less. If i wasn't inhibited, i would follow the wind, kick my shoes off and dive into that ocean baby, there would be nothing stopping me.

but there is. i look around, i play it safe. Am i safe in this desk of brainy smarts? There are inhibitions. This world revolves around this inhibitions and we play a game where we find the balance between gravity and flight. But boy, do i look for a time where my dream is all that moves me on.

Fear

2010-05-15T20:37:00.000-07:00

Sometimes i wonder if i'm seizing it. Or if, contrary to my own belief about myself, i am too scared to reach out and take it.

Really?

2010-05-12T12:19:00.001-07:00

The Top 5 on April 5, 1970 1. Simon & Garfunkel - Bridge Over Troubled Water 2. The Beatles - Hey Jude (greatest hits type collection) 3. Led Zeppelin II 4. The Doors - Morrison Hotel 5. Santana The Top 5 albums in 2010 - April 5, 2010 1. Justin Bieber - My World 2.0 2. Monica - Still Standing 3.... Various Artists - Wow 33 4. Lady Antebellum - Need You Now 5. Justin Bieber - My World (EP)

really? really, is this really our 'popular' music scene? (more like crapular music scene if i would label it, but i don't and it's 'popular') There isn't much left to say...

Kiernan McMullan "Fast Food and Slow Cars"

2010-05-12T00:19:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow could be 50 years

2010-05-06T20:05:00.000-07:00

I sometimes get disillusioned with life. I'm constantly stuck in what could be and how great things would be if all of this stuff happened. I am an envisioner. But then suddenly sometimes like a lightening bolt that shoots out of a clear blue sky it hits me that the things i've envisioned have remained a vision, a distant hope for the future i'm building.

i was asked today what i had been up too since pinging and my mind went blank. I was shocked to realize that my life for the past 2 weeks has revolved around study and work. It saddened me to see this play out in my life. Here it is, Spring quarter, it's over halfway done and what do i have to say for myself. Nothing. I've let it happen again. I've let time rape me. It quickly slips through my fingers like water falls through a bucket without a bottom. Then moments like this disillusionment hits and i realize that life is hardly ever what you expect it to be, but that's okay. If it turned out what we wanted it to be we would be limiting how beautiful it could get. I don't think we have the ability to imagine how great something could be until it actually happens.

I refuse to be limited by my expectations or the times i feel less alive as each day to strive to find the beauty and the unexpected impulses that move us on.

2010-05-03T21:59:00.002-07:00

bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

bah.

midterm

bahhh

All you need it love... all you need is loooovveee- love is all you need

2010-05-01T15:29:00.002-07:00

Tony Campolo was amazing. He is talking about a revolution. about change. About challenging us to be more than we are. I loved it. I have never heard a white SDA church get so wild about something.

But it is true, we do need a revolution don't we. i'm not talking about the church, although that could use some help. But, our faith... our belief, it needs to revolutionized. Jesus was a nonconformist. What happened to us? I guess we're scared, scared of breaking the fold, scared of standing out, scared of standing up. Terrified would probably be more like it. And love, what about love. That's my downfall. That was something i had trouble with. Love. Love because he loved. Not because we love but because he loved us. Love unconditionally, no matter the person.

That's hard. No matter who they are. No matter what they stand for, what they believe, how annoying they may be, love. Love without boundaries. That's a major theme of the Bible, about his ministry. Well, i've forgotten how to love. I don't like being vulnerable. I hate it actually. Freaks me out more than facing a hungry, snarling, man (woman in my case) eating Grizzly bear.

But that doesn't mean i can't change. It doesn't mean that i'm bound to be what i've been before. I can make changes. I have the ability to create a Tipping Point, to make a series of small changes that may then set off something a lot bigger. That's what i'm daring myself to be.

chasing pavements

2010-04-30T16:33:00.000-07:00

"Should i give up
or should i just keep chasing pavements
even if they lead nowhere."

I heard these lyrics a few days ago and it reminded me of a conversation i had with my friend the other day. We had decided to take a walk to get out of the constant lull study and work. Linking arms we set forth down the street, we were two comrades under the sun. Moving to the pace of our ever beating hearts we ended up in somewhere, although we didn't know where. The pavement stretched out before us, twisting, changing, but always leading somwhere.
"Do you know where you are going?" She asked me.

"No, i just put my feet in front of me and hope that it takes me somewhere."

"Maybe we should go back before we get lost."

Oh man... that happened a long time ago, there is no stopping that now, it's like trying to stop a rabbied lion from trying to tearing your arm off. It's just not going to happen. Best just let your feet take you because you never know where it may lead, but wherever that may be i'm guessing it's somewhere pretty fantastic.

38 thirty eight three eight thirty 8

2010-04-28T20:50:00.000-07:00

I think something has gone wrong. Terribly wrong. I read the other day about that woman who had gotten murdered in front of 38 witnesses. I've heard the story before. But something is terribly wrong. I mean, 38 people and not one would help. Each relying on the other to do something. and yet they all watched this woman get attacked. It would have only taken one person to step up. It's so disgusting. this happens all the time, i'd be naive to say that we've evolved since then, that we've recognized the bystander problem and moved passed that. But i don't think we have. We all still have the same old sickness. I don't know what's wrong, it's human nature we could blame it on. It's not our fault, it wasn't our buisness. we can come up with a whole load of excuses to why these sort of things happen and why we excuse ourselves for being completely useless. We need God, we need faith and hope. Something to fix our wrongness. Something we can't do ourselves because no matter how many times we say we can make our morals ourselves. It is not going to work. I've been there. There will always be lapses because the only person you are accountable for is yourself.

forth and back, back and forth. circle circle cycle.

2010-04-22T00:55:00.000-07:00

I'm rolling in my bed tonight, like i do every night, back and forth, forth and back. The black cascading night is surronding me calling out to me, screaming at me actually that i need to sleep. 5 or less hours of sleep just doesn't cut it. This isn't life. but forth and back i toss. a never ending cycle. it just keeps going. My mind is reeling... images, places, people keep replaying in my head. Things i've never seen or heard before burst into existance and who am i to shut off the passions of my mind. Better let them flow like water freeing itself from a dam then keep them jailed up, tied and choked. Quesions, the what if,what is, how things could be keep reaping their suggustions. i close my eyes i feel the passion, it coarses through my numb limbs, the sleepiness closes in but my mind fights back like a seperate being in a war against the night.

forth and back, back and forth. i keep rolling, part of me begging for sleep and another resisting the nights slumber.

what really frustrates me....

2010-04-20T17:23:00.002-07:00

I like logic. I've mentioned this before but it came up again today. I really like logic and i really like things to have some semblance of coherency. So how does 'i feel therefore it is' make any sense. It doesn't, but we're too afraid to actually ask the big questions to look deeper than what everyone has been telling us all these years about religion and God. We don't like looking deeper because we are scared of what we might find. But if we don't reason it out in our heads how can we even begin to say that we believe it. How does what we believe make sense if all we can rely on is a feeling we get, an experience we have. That has its place, that may point us in the right direction, but to really know exactly what you value, believe, think we need to actually ask some questions that we may not like the answers to. Faith may not in the end make any sense at all. It may all end up being folly. But at least i am not going to be afraid of checking to see what it actually is.

...

2010-04-16T16:27:00.001-07:00

I keep telling myself to keep going. But sometimes, i just want to walk away. drop everything and just stop. I don't want to face it, it's like mount everest and i'm an ant, an ant with only three legs. The task basically seems impossible. Can't seem to get further than a few inches and i'm not sure that'll be good enough. I'd like to just give up. to stop. to close my eyes and just wonder for a moment.

I'm needed a little motivation right now, to get me through these next few months of school.... Motivation, that whispy little concept is like dust in the wind, it moves in whatever direction it wants, comes and goes, hit you sometimes and other times continues to evade you in it's little dance. and in the end just leaves the person feeling miserable, dirty and wind blown. or maybe it's a whispy little cloud in the sky that you can kind of see, but it's so transparent that you stare at the sky wondering if it's really there...

Tuesday's

2010-04-13T18:03:00.000-07:00

are like finding a worm in an otherwise amazing apple.

in a sea of dreams

2010-04-10T23:11:00.002-07:00

I was posed with the question one day about what was my greatest achievement.

i was stuck

i didn't know what to say or how to say it. i couldn't believe i didn't know what that might be. In all my twenty years, couldn't one really great thing come to mind, something i was really proud of myself for being able to do. But nothing came to mind. I felt for a moment like a blank canvas. I couldn't get passed that. I couldn't think further than my own disapointment of not being able to come up with something right away. i had never really thought of what i had done in my life that i was proud of.

Thinking back on this later i realized, yes, i've done things that i'm proud of, but it hit me, why do we think that great accomplishments must be some great action like saving a baby from a fire. A sacrfice we've made to the world in order to show our worth. I was stuck because i couldn't think of anything extraordinary that i've completed. We are trained as a society to have worth, and not just worth to ourselves, but to everyone, we need to make a contribution or we are thought of as worthless.

Given the choice, in a fire, of saving either a great Doctor, or a shop worker... who would be chosen? Not a hard question to answer it would seem, but what gives the Doctor more worth... because their contribution to the world is bigger. They are important. but they are both human beings, they both have thoughts, dreams, beliefs and yet we judge a person by what they do and not who they are. What if this Doctor was a rapist... or believed that woman do not deserve rights... would we be as ready to save them...

It's curious to think about why we give worth to a person, why some people are viewed as more valuable and others aren't. Isn't that why we ship off all our old people to nursing homes? So we don't have to deal with them because they are 'worthless?' they can't contribute anymore so we try and push them out of the picture.

Yes, i may never saved a person's life or discover the cure for cancer or make a beautiful symphony or wrote a best selling novel. I may never do any of these things. But, just because my life may never be anything extraordinary (or what is expected as extraordinary) does that make my achievements any less worthy?

Space is a nice place to be

2010-04-08T18:06:00.001-07:00

I went to coffee with a friend today, somehow i couldn't get myself out of my own head, i felt like the worst company, but all i wanted to do was stare off into space and think about what was on my mind.

Sometimes i just can't be bothered with people or making the effort to get to know them. There is a few select people i care about (and for them i'd give them my life) and then there is everyone else... sometimes i just can't be bothered to get to know them. It's weird because once i do know them, i care, but someday's i just like the inside of my mind a whole lot better.

gravity released me

2010-04-04T13:18:00.002-07:00

Someone once asked me why i loved England so much and for a moment i didn't know what to say. i couldn't encompass this feeling with a few good adjectives.

So i listed off a few expected answers ... the culture was nice, the weather was good (i loved the rain... there is something magical too about that one day of sun in the midst of all the rain),... the people were amazing, the history was extraordinary.

but then it hit me

everything.

everything happened there. how can anyone let that go?

Here is to his broken life

2010-04-03T17:55:00.001-07:00

i saw a man the other day hunched over in his chair, he didn't look up as i passed him but i greeted him just the same. There was something in the slump of his shoulders that drew me towards this man, someting that told me he just needed someone. I asked him if he was alright, and wanted to know if he needed a hand.

He told me he was fine, but as i gazed into his blue eyes i wondered if he was telling me the truth. There was stubble across his chin and his eyes were tired and worn. I wondered what brought him to where he was, i wondered what paths he had wondered on, had they at once seemed like the right ones... what had he chosen that had led him here today...

i touched his shoulder, it was cold, shaking, maybe he was nervous, or maybe he was afraid. He said he was fine, but i feel his pain in a sympathetic way, i wish i could've helped him. Here is to his broken life.

How can one ever know they are going the right way... I can't look 20 years into my life too look and see if i'm happy. i can't ever know if i'll end up broken and defeated by the choices i've made today.

It's not something i can know, but you know what, i''m alright with that.

getting into the real thing

2010-04-01T18:37:00.001-07:00

'how are you doing?'

what do they expect you to say other than 'i'm good!' imagine the reaction you get when you say 'i'm doing terrible actually!' i do it for fun sometimes and they get this horrified expression on their face and a look of a deer caught in the headlights. Yeah... they just wish they never asked don't they?

but honestly... what do you say to that... 'yeah... i'm good'... conversation ends. Creative... right? We're really digging into the real things aren't we...

i'm not going to lie, i say this sometimes. It's a conversation filler. But it just gives me a bad taste in my mouth. it's really open ended... how are we doing today... or yesterday... or how are we doing in this class... or doing in our spiritual life... what do they mean? I don't know...

Sometimes, when i get especially cynical... i wonder if we asking because we really care how they are doing... or are we merely asking because it's expected that we say it...

......

2010-03-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

People are different than me. and i think i'm okay with that. even when they say something stupid like endorsing the 'American Dream' and all it's selfish endeavors. or say that homosexuality is a sin. or that abortion is an abomination. or that animal testing is actually humane.

i mean if we all thought the same thing... how would we ever be challenged

My past self laughs at the me today

2010-03-17T14:52:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Mexico today, i have yet to get really excited about it. I think my mind is still reeling from exam week that it hasn't focussed on reality yet. But in a few short hours i will be on the road.

It's a mission trip of such, and i've never been on one of these things before. I was actually one of those who used to laugh at mission trips. Who thought that the people who went on the trips were hypocrites and liars. Why... i saw them go, get on the spiritual high, talk about how they felt bad that these people didn't have as much as we did, and then proceed to go back to their normal lifestyle of getting high, drunk, and being the consumer this country has bred.

I thought it was pretty lame. I didn't want any part of something that was so fake, the mission trip or religion, or God for that matter. It all seemed like a set of prescribed motions people go through to get their ticket to salvation. I find it a little funny that, what... 2 years have gone by and here i am doing the same thing... well... not quite like that, but i am heading out on my own mission trip and i hope that whatever happens i will be impacted by it.

It's amazing to think how much a person can change in such a short amount of time, and yes, 2 years is a short time since life seems to fly by these days! Sometimes when i sit back and take a look at my life, i'm just shocked at where i've been led. i'm sure, 2 years ago, i would have laughed at myself now.

today is one of those days....

2010-03-16T16:29:00.001-07:00

Some day's, i really hate this place. and when those days come, i can't help but become even more cynical than i normally am. I can't help but see the faults, it's idocracies, i wonder why i stay when i could leave (i remind myself that changing schools is a pain in the arse). I wonder why the school is the way it is, babying us as if we were five for instance. I wonder still why i hate it so much, sometimes i wonder maybe it has something to do with me, i can't always blame external factors. I wonder why it's so hard for me to enjoy it here and why i constantly wish to be back in my old University. I usually can love the place i'm in but right now, that almost seems impossible.

today happen to be one of those days.

.....

2010-03-14T15:37:00.002-07:00

Somehow, even though it's making my stomach feel worse and worse i keep popping these addictive little things in my mouth. It's kind of like an addiction, or a automatic response... or maybe a procrastination tool. I see them sitting innocently on my desk in the library and i can't help myself. I have no control over my passions. They control me, i will fully admit that, and so i stuff my mouth with three more thinking that what can three more M&M's do to my already churning stomach...

They can do a lot apparently.

I think it's a unconsious action that my brain is making me do so that eventually i will feel so sick of all the candy i'm shoving in my mouth that i'll just stop studying. It has worked, i think i need to go for a run or something... get my mind back into study mode so that i can have heaps more fun staring at the computer and shooting out hundreds of more words out of my already fried brain. Finals week... here i come...

The only place i call home

2010-03-11T20:28:00.002-08:00

Sometimes i miss it so much i just want to puke.

Hidden in the darkness... there was light

2010-03-11T11:13:00.001-08:00

The dark surrounds me, cloaking me in its shadow. i stumble my way through, my eyes haven't adjusted to the darkness around me, but then i guess it's either... why should we get adjusted to darkness... or this is what i get for having bad eyesight. blindly i shuffle, hoping that my roommates internet cord won't suddenly jump up and try and trip me in my vulnerability or that tack that somehow disappeared the other day won't suddenly be waiting for my unsuspecting foot.

But then there is light. Where is it coming from....? a quick look to my left... my roommate’s microwave… My mind flashes back to when she first brought it into our room.

'You can use it whenever, but just unplug it after you use it.'

i had used it earlier and forgotten to pull the cord on it. Shoot. Where was the plug again? I looked back the few steps it would take to get back to the light to flick it on and shed some light on this predicament. I look again to the microwave--right beside me. Taking the moment of decision i moved to the microwave, arms stretched out, cringing every time i stepped on my roommate’s garments and books.

Feeling the cord i yanked and the cereal fell off the top crushing my idea that the cord would just gracefully slip out of the plug in. Shucks, this wasn't quite as smooth as i had first imagined. with one hand i reached further down and found where the cord and plug in conjoined. This was where the heart of this problem lay and started pulling, my other hand preoccupied with holding onto my trusty mobile/alarm clock.

The cord started moving but just barely, inching, almost mocking me at my feeble attempts to do this one handed. I'd show it who was boss, no cord could defeat me. That was crucial. my hand slipped further down the plug, i felt metal below my fingers, but i continued to yank. it seemed to give me an upper hand with this fight. A final yank, and i realized what a bad idea this whole thing was. A shock of electricity shot up my arms i let the whole shenanigans go... which somehow disconnected to cord but my arm was left tingling uncomfortably as i walked, defeated once again to me bed. 2-0 for microwave, stay tuned for the next big interlude.

Orange peels should be left to food groups

2010-03-09T17:48:00.004-08:00

I like to imagine Univeristy kind of like a orange juice squeezer thing, you put your orange on it, and you start turn it trying to extract all the juice, pulp and all that wonderful nutritional stuff out of it, leaving you with this mutilated empty shell... aka your brain.

No, no give me emotion, i can't take logic

2010-03-08T22:35:00.002-08:00

"Why do you believe in God?"

"Because i feel like he exists. I feel him in my life."

... okay... great, you got me there...

Why have we forgotten logic. i mean really world, do we have to rely constanly on this thing called emotion to take us everywhere. What does emotion do, it clouds our logic, our reason, gives us these fanciful ideas. we don't dare question because we 'feel' like what we are doing is right and our feelings are the only thing that matter... what about knowing? Isn't that stronger. But no, that would require far to much, far, far too much... just can't do that, shouldn't do that. No, we'll just rely on emotion to make our decisions for us. We won't think logically about why we decide, why we believe, why we do anything. no, give me emotion, i don't want logic.

mysterious black spots + a wandering mind = no work being done.

2010-03-04T19:11:00.002-08:00

That wall has a really black mark on it, about half way down... but not quite centre, maybe a little off to the left. It really sticks out, i mean... against that white wall, it's like it was a smiley face saying 'here i am world.' or something like that. But... you'd think the janitor would clean that up... maybe i should tell him

nah, couldn't be bothered. i need to go back to work...

it would be really nice to be that black mark. You can watch everything that is going on... and well... it's kind of secret isn't it? Who know's what it sees. and no one bothers it with stupid questions like 'what's this person's number?...' you know what? look it up yourself, there is the mask and a phonebook, why do i have to do your legwork? plus, i'm not authorized to give out numbers so i can just laugh at your face when i say 'no ma'am you are not getting this number, shucks, eh?...' but... this spot... It has the whole wall to itself, who wouldn't be impressed with that? I can barely claim this chair i'm sitting on, i share it with two other people, not at the same time mind you. But it's still shared.

right... work.

hey look! the black spot has a friend!!

coffee drinking and justifiable acts that make me a good person

2010-03-03T18:31:00.002-08:00

Why do we feel the need to justify what we believe. Isn't it enough to just believe it... i had this conversation a while ago, and it's bothered me ever since, it's like that tick that gets under your skin and it just doesn't screw off. Annyway, it kind of went like this, i'm paraphrasing, please forgive me.

"yeah, my husband drinks coffee," after a two second pause this person hurries to explain herself . "But only because he has these headaches and it's the only things that makes it go away..."

oh yeah? You know what... i don't really care if or if you don't drink coffee. I mean, just because caffiene is quote un quote the idea of what a Christian shouldn't do, you don't need to explain to me why you do it. Can you not just do something and be okay with that.

Alas, we feel like if we don't follow these motions of a good Christian than we we need to justify ourselves to everyone else. No, you don't. please, your belief has nothing to do with me. Nothing, it's not about me, it's not about anyone else but you and your God.

Frankly, i've had so many conversations here about how this might make them a bad Christian, but they only do it for this reason or that it might make people think worse of them and/or their belief. why? why can't we do anything without trying to explain our actions... if you are okay with what you are doing... you don't need to bring everyone else into it! It's you and your God. That's it.

.

2010-03-02T20:30:00.002-08:00

Sometimes i find myself doing the very thing i hate. i wonder why this happens, why in sudden slips of consciousness we slip into this alternate person and in the end we are dissapointed with ourselves. It's like we have these two different people living under this one skin, each trying to break out, but one always seems stronger than the other and that is what you are most of the time..... But sometimes, sometimes that other person takes over and you're left with nothing but surly disapointment, what if you had fought harder than cave to what is so normally accepted from society.

....

or maybe my perception of myself is wrong.
which would send me for another complete curve ball.

There is somthing kind of sticky about you.....

2010-03-02T18:23:00.000-08:00

Note to self: buy good quality soap, there is nothing that i like better than taking a quick shower after a run and using soap that cost less than a dollar and having it feel like i just rubbed myself in a tub of honey...

on another note, i really need to do laundry, I’ve been needing to do it for the past three days, it still isn't done, the idea just lays dormant in the dark recesses of my mind.

P.S. It would be nice to meet someone who didn’t talk about how long it took to do their hair that morning.

I think we should just shove food in our mouth and stop pretending that we're not hungry

2010-03-02T02:15:00.001-08:00

i don't really understand the point of fasting. food fasting that is. i had a friend do it and they were in terrible shape by the end of the day, i've also had people say how at peace they were, though i just didn't get it. people have tried explaining it to me, i get the same old answer 'so you'll get a deeper and closer relationship with Jesus Christ' or this one, which is even better, 'so we can focus on praying' what are you praying about? about dang hungry you are!! or the constant prayer 'dear Jesus, i'm fasting for you, stop these hunger pains will yeah??'. Bullshit. How does starving yourself make you feel closer to Christ. I tried it, once, i didn't get past dinner. I prayed, i read the bible, i did all the prescribed motions that Christians are supposed to do. It was lame. I was hungry and when i was trying to focus on God. all i wanted to do was eat food.

i can understand abstaining from something that is ruling your life. or 'fasting' from it as they'd say. But to take a day to fast and eat nothing, how the bleeding hell does this help your relationshop with God. Someone please tell me. and don't give me that mumbo jumbo that you have to fast with your heart. That's a lame arguement and you know it. I can have that relationship with God just fine, actually better on a full stomach, because then i can actually concentrate on what i'm reading and what it's telling me.

maybe it's just personal preference, fasting isn't for everyone, i just wonder why they tell us we need to do it...

..........................

2010-03-02T01:05:00.001-08:00

I really hate insomnia, it's that thorn in my side, keeping me awake at odd hours of the night, making me more like a walking machine than a real person. It's like, in those moments of pure exhaustion, that there are two separate realities, the way I see everything at that moment, which is fuzzy at best, a little tainted by shadow, and most definitely do not feel connected to the world around me. More like, connected to to some floating spaceship, or a cloud. But that is the reality I’m in, almost, all the freaken time. Then, the other, which is those few moments of clarity, when for a second, the cloud lifts, and you actually focus past the next step. But that vanishes, why? Because, you want sleep and of course you can't because the more you try the more frustrated you get so then you just stop. and you lie there. and nothing happens. Hours pass, or was it only a minute? I don't know, i can hardly tell anymore one minute from the next, it justs sort of fuzzy. Like you've been asleep too long and you've just woken up and you trying to rub the sleep out of your eyes and your limbs are sore and tired and you feel like you could sleep for another hour. Or maybe, it's kind of like there is you brain, and it's this fucking cloud that doesn't really belong anywhere, just sort of floats around like some random bloody spaceship looking for a place to land. It's kind of like my whole body is completely unconnected, like i could move an arm and not realize that it was my own arm. I move, but it's just going through the motions. Flippen heck.

I really hate insomnia.

Apple IPad

2010-01-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

I only have one thing to say about this, do we really need ANOTHER thing from apple, another little toy? I mean really? What's the point? I don't really get it to be honest. Yes it's smaller, more compact, you can take it anywhere! Sooo much better then a macbook... right? But it does the same thing... does it not? It seems to me just another little item to waste you money on and another ploy from apple for you to buy this new gadget and get into the elite little apple loving fan club.

We use our money on this stuff, and it makes me wonder sometimes, why? Why do we use it when there are THOUSANDS of people suffering who can get enough food, who suffer on a daily basis, and here we go just buying a new IPad selfishly.

Listen, can you hear me?

2010-01-18T19:15:00.001-08:00

So I’ve been thinking a lot about the people in Haiti today, I read an article about the merits of speeding up the adoption so that the thousands of kids that are orphans and have become orphans because of this disaster. I can see where they are coming from. I mean, would that not help the pain, to be able to go somewhere that is safe, that loves. And out of a loving heart this would theoretically be perfect.

But, I know how this world works. I can see people take advantage of this. Right now, human trafficking is at its highest, there has never been a time in history that has surpassed the amount of human slavery. Yeah, we thought this was over, we thought we had evolved as a society, guess again mates. With that in mind, how many people would use this opportunity to get free, already devastated, scarred children into the sex trade, or into forced war... not even as dramatic as that, these kids could be forced into abusive homes, they would be no better off!

I wish I could see the change happening, but I don’t, I wish that I could snap my fingers and it all will be okay, but it won’t. So everyone who happens to pass over this blog, please remember, please spread the word about human trafficking, about what innocent children, woman, mothers, and sons are going through right now right under our noses. More to come…

Listen... can you hear me?

Don't let the children suffer.

2010-01-14T22:08:00.000-08:00

I've recently 'almost' half purchased a Nikon D5000, and with this i'll put up a few more photo's from my tired panasonic point and shoot. Hopefully, some of the last ones from this camera. I'm waiting for my parents, (yes, i half purchased my Christmas present), to order me their 'surprise'. Anyway, while I'll wait, i'll get a few more days of use of my old friend.

I think i'd like to get married here, if ever i was to get back to Ireland that is. I've recently fallen in love with that country as well. I watched a movie about it, and seeing the culture within the movie kind of moved me, though, the movie itself was rubbish (Leap Year, a silly, predictable chick flick), i liked watching their representation of the Irish culture.

To Gain you must Lose

2010-01-11T14:08:00.001-08:00

“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else.” -Ralph Waldo Emerson

I came across this quote and felt that it was extremelly applicable for me today since as of late i have been thinking a lot about the decisions in our lives and what path that takes us on. I guess this just reminds me that no matter what, i will have gained something.

My Rushmore

2009-12-13T09:17:00.007-08:00

I can't believe I'm leaving England now. I mean, this is it. I may fancy saying that I'll be back. But as tomorrow looms closer. I don't know if that will ever come true. England it my Rushmore. It is everything i want and yet I'm leaving. There is irony in that i guess. I try to believe that this is happening for a reason, but what if our lives are just left to chance? I was sitting in Santa Fe today with some of my closest friends that I've made here, and i couldn't help but feel this cold despair settle over me, i mean, i may never see them again. I won't ever be sitting in this coffee shop that we sit in EVERY Sunday afternoon. I won't have that again.

It makes me wonder sometimes and the grand scheme things, and as a Christian, i guess, nothing is left to chance. I do believe that every encounter was supposed to happen and that whomever, or whatever it was, it will effect you and shape YOU into who you are supposed to be. I know this, but I'd rather stay here and let these experiences effect me rather then chase after something else... but also, what if you make a wrong decision... does that mess up the rest of your life forever? Or eventually does God lead you life back to were it was supposed to be. But one decision can have such a determinable impact on your life, how can your life get led back to where it was supposed to be? That one decision could have changed you forever as a person and well... to put it simply how could you life be led back to were it was supposed to be before, nothing can ever be the same way twice. That goes for decisions as well, what if this is a wrong decision and is messes me up for eternity? Or puts me on a different track, maybe one i wasn't supposed to be on originally but just different... does that make the first one wrong... or second one wrong. Or are we all just supposed to believe that whatever happens God has a plan and it will eventually just sort itself out, but maybe, just maybe, give you loads of turmoil along the way... but as long as it turns out as it was supposed to in the end then it makes whatever happens in the middle alright?

What about the ones in which nothing turns out for them? Were they meant to have this happen to them... or did they just make a sequence of bad decisions all the lives that led them to where they are. But if we are to believe that everything happens for a reason then how can we say that and still see the suffering out there. Are they MEANT to be suffering? are they MEANT to be hurting, starving, and being made to feel like the scum of the earth. Even if it is NO fault they are in that position to begin with? We can't just say that they are there as a lesson to us to what happens when we make bad decisions, or that it is just a string of unfortunate events.

I don't believe that, but then why? Is it just all random then, some people are lucky while others are not. But putting God in the midst of this, where is his role? i can't answer that, i don't know why there is suffering, it's sin, it's Satan. But is there more to this answer... is it just this sin in the world that makes shit happen all the time? Satan thwarting God's plan, sin entering the world that made this happen, but still... if everything happens for a reason... can that reason never happen because Satan makes sure it doesn't. that every time God tries to sort things out or lead people to the right decision or does whatever He does, Satan comes and screws that up and some people just never get past that. These people could be some of the most amazing people on the earth but because of Satan's interference, they never realize their full potential....

I don't know, but as I'm writing this, i almost feel trivial about my complaining about leaving England, when there is so many more things in life that are bigger things out there. But i can't help but feel melancholic and it makes me wonder about whether this is the right choice.

I mean tomorrow is the big day and even though I'm partially excited to be home and all but i would surpass all that if i could stay in England. Not Newbold, i can do without Newbold, it is not the best school, but as i said before England is my Rushmore. It is so beautiful, and I've met some of the most wonderful people here. I hate to leave it, maybe I'm just scared of leaving what is comfortable and jumping into the unknown, but yet, the familiar. Maybe that is what I'm most afraid of. Leaving something i already know it great. But if i really think about it, putting all emotions aside, i have to ask myself. Am i going to learn anything more here? Or will somewhere teach me more? Will i grow more because i think that is the most important thing in life that we do, is to continue growing, changing. I don't know, i guess we'll have to wait and see what happens. I don't know if Walla Walla is the place for me, it seems so familiar, so known and safe. Maybe that is okay, maybe I'll find that being somewhere that is safe, is where I need to be, who knows. Time will only tell how right this choice was, and hopefully if it's not, I'll get put back on the right track.

O What Fools

2009-12-07T07:12:00.004-08:00

Oh what Fools!

Oh what fools are we, to never hear a sound tonight
To overlook the soft breeze we should feel such contrite
To lose the east submerging with the sun
A hazy silence has now begun
But the quiet whisper of the leaves plunge does invite

A careful look at our lives unlocked, it will incite
A fallen leaf, a season vanished, my thoughts ignite
The early night sky, a new time begun
We never notice so busy on the run
Oh what fools are we.

We move from A to Z but what’s in between, such plight
To not see a seasons change and relish such delight
A process forgot yet to think we’ve won
We live in pursuit but what have we done?
Which course are we taking, capturing life or seizing flight?
Oh what fools are we.

DePhoMo 2009

2009-12-03T10:23:00.007-08:00

So this whole month we are doing a photo per day, it is suppsed to help us because better photographers and get those interpirational juices flowing. I think it is a really cool idea and i'm going to try and keep this updated with those photo's as well. Mostly, you take whatever photo you want but there are these promts/ ideas that are also posted.

December 1: No promt, just a picture of the gate leading into the amazing garden behind Moor Close!

2 December: Again not promt, and i will admit, i cheated on this on, i found it in my library pictures and took it in Greece. I found myself working all that day and by the time i got out, it was past 4 (which is nighttime here in England) oh well, i think i'll be forgiven for this one.

3 December: I used the promt today because i thought it was an interesting idea, things you walk by all the time but don't actually see. So i titled mine

"I look but do not see"

I thought it was an interesting concept as all today i walked around looking around me trying to find things i normally don't pay attention to and saw this!

Goodbye England.

2009-11-21T03:20:00.003-08:00

So this is it. This is goodbye to you. Everything i ever wanted i found in you and yet here i am saying goodbye. This cannot go on forever, as much as it feels right. As much as i dread the idea of when i finally walk out the door. This is it. I have to move on, leave and never look back.

Sure, i kid myself, someday we'll meet again. Someday we can do this this torrid love affair again. But when will we really? I'll move on with my life and so will you. I'll forget just how it felt to walk along the beaches, or to stand at the edge of the cliff and feel the freedom.

and you'll soon forget me too.

There are so many others, you'll grab one of them. The memory of me will be gone as soon as i step into that airplane. I know that, you don't have to lie. But it's me who is leaving. Me who's is walking out the door. I'm the one looking for a change, not you. You'll receive the change anyway, as selfish as i am, I'll make you have that change.

But will i say I'll regret this. Will i look back and wish i had never searched for change? I wanted change in you, but somethings don't work out the way you want them too. I looked, but the funds weren't there, my family couldn't let me go, i might be looking for the change, but leaving you is the hardest thing i will ever do.

Maybe... maybe in the grand scheme of things, I'll never find the things i need in you, maybe that's why it's happening. I don't know if everything happens for a reason. I'd like to believe it, but when the best thing that has ever happened to you gets ripped from your hands... you'd question too. I know I'm not that important to you among the millions of other people. But I'd like to say I've left my print, that years later... you'll remember the one who cried on the hill top when she left.

I know i will. I'll look back and remember, will it be fondly, or will it be with regret, only i have control over that. I pray I'm heading the right direction. i pray that this is meant to happen. That is the only comfort i get. So with that I'll say goodbye to you, goodbye for now, or maybe forever. We'll see where the wind takes me.

Just a Minute October

2009-10-31T06:17:00.003-08:00

So for a moment we are going to recap whats been going on in our lives for this month, this nifty thing got started by August Street.

Reading: Quite a bit, articles and journals mostly, I'm an English Literature student so i can't escape this. Right now my world seems to be filled with Shakespeare and the Propaganda model. But ignoring the have-to reads, when i have time i pull out a few novels on my ever growing bookshelf. I find myself buying more books while still having at least 6 or so that i need to get through. Oh well, right now I'm reading a Fine Line, and Away.

Keeping: Everything that isn't junk, I'm a bit of a pack rat and don't have the heart to thrown anything out, even though i haven't used it in months. You never know what next month will bring.

Sewing: ... I'm getting my friend to sew my purse wallet thing back together, I'm not sure if that counts.

Listening: Iron and Wine, Arctic Monkey's, Radiohead, Muse. Anything indie, keep finding new and more adventurous music out there. I think this is one of the most beautiful things we've been graced to have. Music, I've also been listening to my roommate sleep talk, it gives for interesting conversation.

Watching: hmmm.... a bit here and there, i try not to get too caught up in the televised world, i don't want to become a mechanical being or anything. But The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus cannot be ignored, nor can Fantastic Mr. Fox. Actually been watching quite a bit of Wes Anderson and Terry Gilliam's film's lately. They are brilliantly filmed I'd have to admit.

Trying: To keep my goals in front of my eyes, i don't want to wake up 10 years done the road and realize i haven't done anything.

Loving: The Journey and the moments in life.

Making: Tea, Traditional English tea actually, it's quite delicious. Been guzzling it as if it was candy.

playing along? dont' forget to add your blog role here http://august-street.blogspot.com/2009/10/test-post-for-mr-linky.html

Copy Machines and Benefits

2009-10-30T04:21:00.003-08:00

Friday's Rambling

I hate copy machines, and folding machines actually come to think of it. Sometimes i fool myself into thinking this world has become quite technologically advanced, but then i come across these machines that turn my world upside down. They just don't work. I spent a good three hours today just copying, copying and then folding everything i copied on what is supposed be to a handy dandy folding machine. Really, i shouldn't be complaining, i probably would have spent longer folding them by hand, but at least i wouldn't have wasted half the stack on wrong folds and the machine seemingly having a mechanical hardware attack(similar to a heart attach, just on a machine). So yeah, talk about a huge carbon footprint that I've made today, and i do this every week. fabulous, I'm glad I'm leaving my mark on this planet.

Anyway, I've also realized that this past week, i haven't gotten paid. Which is my fault, i didn't write down my hours. I'll try to figure that out next week though. i can't be bothered now. So i spent a week labouring away in front of those things called Macs (which is another ramble all in itself) Sure i made a new layout, which looks a+ by the way, it doesn't matter. I'll say it was out of the goodness of my heart. At least, that is what most people would like to say. That they do things out of the goodness of their heart.

It never really is, it seems as if we only do things if we will get something out of it in the end. We give to charity so it makes us feel better or it will make us look better to the watching eye, we visit our grandma because she might be dead tomorrow and you'd feel guilty if you didn't. We work to get paid, we help someone if we will be helped in return (by money or a deed of equal or greater amount). It's sad really, can we not just do something... for the sake of doing it. Forget the benefits or the consequences. Just do something! Anything, and if someone even tries to pay you back for it, refuse it. It's a scary thought for some.

A Cold Heart

2009-10-29T08:57:00.005-08:00

Thursday's Event

I'm disgusted, i literally feel sick to my stomach. I can barely imagine what was going through that group of people ( can we even call them humans) who watched the gang rape. They stayed silent whilst they could have helped, to me, that is just as bad as the actual act. To remain passive when action needed to be taken, and yet they get off free. As if what they were doing was alright. It's disgusting to think about it. How cold can a person's heart become? Taking video's, pictures, joining in! What have we become when we just follow what others are doing, as if that makes it okay. I wonder though, what they must be feeling now... do they feel anything?

That's all i can even say, I'm left speechless.

I want to be a Kid

2009-10-27T08:36:00.005-08:00

Tuesday's Memory

Being a kid is really a great thing. They have this vigour, this zest for life that as we all grow older, it seems to sometimes disappear. For kids, there are no boundaries, there are no limits to what you can and cannot do, for them, they are already in the sky. But we loose that and switch to calling that sort of behaviour as childlike, naive, innocent, that once they get to know the world they will shed that ideology. But why should they? Why should we have lost it. I think it's important for all of us to keep some of that with us, it keeps us fresh and away from keeping to the status quo.

When i was younger, i would spend hours outside. Most of my day would be spending chasing after one adventure after the next. I lived on a farm, the world seemed to be my very own playground. On this specific afternoon, the sandbox had caught my attention. It had rained the day before and the mixture of sand and mud sang a melody to me that i could not ignore. I found myself sitting in that sandbox all afternoon, making mud pies. That was all, i would make big ones, small ones, medium sized ones. Ones that i would throw and others i would give to anyone who'd want them, mainly an imaginary someone who i might have met before. It wasn't anything big, it was just a simply activity but somehow it kept me enthralled for hours and hours, i remember feeling like i was in heaven, the mud smeared all over my face, squeezing between my toes and my clothes... now that was a different story.

But what happened to that? What happened to being able to stay focused on one activity. It seems now, all we look for is more highs, nothing is ever enough and we need action, we need high class amusement to be able to keep captivated for even a short amount of time. We call it maturing, we call it sophistication, whatever it is, i don't know how good it is for us. Suddenly, it's too cool it roll down a hill, or play in the mud, suddenly it's too cool to laugh and silly joke. That's what is expected of us as we grow up. I feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. I don't want to loose that zest, that pure unapologetic life that keeps us all alive.

Feel's Right

2009-10-26T04:34:00.003-08:00

I've just finished my first day of work. And this is kind of what i feel like after all is done and said. After hanging up accidently on a client, trying to work out how the heck to use a Mac, trying to make a new template/layout for a bulletin, and between that trying to email everyone and figure the order for service, i'm wiped. Almost, i got to check facebook the last 5 minutes of work while everyone else had left for lunch and the poor secretary was left to man the desk. Until tomorrow.

Watercolour

2009-10-19T15:17:00.003-07:00

Monday's Art

So today is Monday and i think it needs a little bit of a boost. It's been a long day staring at my computer screen trying to connect the sentences in my mind and having them sound coherent for my essay. It's been a long day, obvious as that is, it's Monday, what can we expect. I had the Monday blues... which usually don't come till Tuesday so i guess this has set my week up perfectly. Oh dear, Friday's joy on Thursday, Saturday's relaxation on Friday, Sunday's procrastination on Saturday. This sounds fabulous.

Anyway, today needs a boost, and so i was browsing through some watercolour paintings, which i happen to adore by the way, and found this beautiful image. Watercolours can be so emotive comparative to the acrylic or the oil. Sometimes it feels as if the oil painting or the acrylic are simply that, a painting of a picture or image of reality. There is no emotion behind it but a pretty little picture.

-Molly Brill

Drowning out my Mind

2009-10-11T13:50:00.003-07:00

Sunday's Lyric

Sitting in my room, alone, on my birthday, I’m starring at the computer screen, reading the list of happy birthdays and yet it brings no joy. Not that I don’t appreciate the well wishers, but it’s just a birthday, it’s just a day. I’m celebrating life, but should we not be celebrating life everyday of our lives, instead of taking this one day and setting it aside and making it special. Everyday should be like that, sure, some might argue that it would soon become the status quo, but I digress. If the individual is constantly striving for that that single most unique experience, then I think there will never be the status quo, it might be felt in moments, but in the big picture if the individual is celebrating each day, each hour, then I think a status quo will never be exactly met.

Anyway, back to the point, I was sitting starring at my computer when the phone rings shrilly, it’s my parents. First time I’ve talked to them since I’ve been back in England. It feels weird to talk to them. I don’t have much to say, I’ve written messages about what has been going on in my life, and the past week all I’ve done is homework, and I can only reminiscence about the hours spent in the library. Not a very interesting topic of conversation. So the conversation ends, they tell me about what’s been going on at home. I listen with half an ear, someone I have never heard of got married, and the neighbour I’ve never met stopped in and said hello, ect. The conversation dies, then a quick recap of my cousin’s wedding and for a second I’m glad I wasn’t there. I feel guilty though. I should want to go to those things, but I can only imagine feeling awkward as only large group gatherings can make me feel. But I looked at pictures and the couple looks truly happy and I’m happy too. Glad that he’s finally found love and then I wish I was there to share in that moment. It reminds us that not all is lost.

Finally my mum has to go to work, the conversations starts turning toward too the future. It is kind of depressing if I actually think about it. Twenty years of my life have gone by and what can I say for myself. I should have it all figured out, but I don’t. People say this is normal, but somehow I don’t feel like it is. I’ve had twenty years. But anyway, the future, what am I doing, where should I be. I have no idea. I really don’t. Yes, I’m thinking of being a teacher, an English teacher. But that doesn’t mean I have the rest of it figured out. I probably shouldn’t worry about it so much. I usually don’t. Whatever happens happens because it’s meant to, but I suppose, I still need to make that decision. No matter how many times I try to avoid, it’s inevitable, it can’t simply be ignored. It won’t just sort itself out as I hope it will. At least, not to a satisfactory end, I would probably just stick with the status quo and keep doing what I’m doing. And right now, I don’t think I can do that.

I love where I am, I feel alive. I feel like I’m acting on my life, but I can’t stay in this position. I have to leave, I have to follow what I feel like I need to do with my life, and right now that is being a teacher. I need to act on that. So the question comes in, should I leave the best thing that has ever happened to me and go to a place that is definitely second best. I may be able to fit another semester in here, but what is the point. Maybe it’s time for me to move on. And with a feeling of dread and loathing, I feel as if this is what I must to do. This has given me what it has to offer and now I should go. As much as I hate the sound of that, sometimes I feel as if that is what I need to do.

It’s a scary reality check, I was chatting about it and I hated the conversation. Despised it actually. It just brought everything I was trying to ignore up front and centre. Though I guess that is where it should be. Reality checks are usually horrible things to deal with, until after anyway. In hindsight they usually work out for the best, but trying to make a decision that you know will have effects on the rest of your life are always daunting and unexplainable. I know I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t think there is anyone who actually likes to deal with these things.

So now, since this conversation, which only happened a mere 2 days ago, I’ve been constantly bombarded with these thoughts and I think Regina Spektor had it right when she says "You’re using your headphones to drown out your mind.” Sometimes you need it, because the more I think. The more I feel confused and when I’m used to trusting my gut feeling and when now, the when gut is telling me something I don’t want to hear, I doubt. I doubt a lot.

What Do We Remember

2009-09-22T04:27:00.002-07:00

Tuesday's Memory

It’s time again to try and step into yesterdays shoes and maybe realize a memory that I’ve ticked away and forgotten somewhere in my busy life. It seems as if we remember the “memorable” moments in our lives, but forget the things that we may not deem as important. I remember my first day of school, vague as that may be, I still remember it, but I don’t remember what I did on the sunniest day of spring. It makes me think of what makes a moment or event memorable.

Why do we remember one thing and forget the rest, I guess our brains do not have the capacity and there is that thing with the short and long term memory business and it depends on the size of your hippocampus. But past the technical side of it, why are things more memorable than others? I can’t answer that. Moreover why do we remember the bad things rather than the good things? Why are we programmed that way... I’d rather look back and have moments to smile at rather than to feel the injustice of an event or feel the anger boils up again.

It seems as if the feelings from those memories are stronger, more dominant than a feeling of pure contentedness. I remember walking home from school once and the sun was shining brilliantly that day, I can’t explain the feeling, but it was that sort of feeling where you know that if you lived that moment over and over again, you’d die happy. But as soon as you realize that the moment is perfect, that moment has already disappeared. I remember that... but then I also at the same time remember the school, and the bad memories come pouring in. They are stronger, more poignant and real rather than a feeling that can’t really be explained.

It’s a curious thing, and I confess, as much as I try to keep the good times close to me, I don’t think anyone can escape that as human’s we tend to dramatize our lives. We remember and talk about these horrible things as if they are badges to be held up, it’s like ‘who’s-had-the-worst-experience’ sort of badge. It silly, but we all take part it in. We can try not to, but even in our minds we are conjuring our own experiences and weighing them. We are what we experience, are we not?

Thames Fire Garden

2009-09-13T18:50:00.003-07:00

Sunday's Poem

So i actually wrote this poem myself, it's for my creative writing class and i think it is the first poem i've ever written that has ever rhymed and been completed. I'm fairly happy with the outcome though.

I wrote it today, as i was sitting in the Fire Garden by the Thames. It was almost surreal being there, the smoke, the smell, the gathering of all these people to witness this one event. I thought it was pretty amazing to witness how so many people, from so many different walks in life could all come and enjoy this when on any other normal day we would believe that we would have nothing in common with that punk or jock we pass on the street. Yet there are these gatherings and everyone is always there, connecting us all in this surreal fashion. It felt amazing to be there, to experience it with friends and with strangers, but it felt like a gathering of friends. a really big group of friends.

So, I went to a garden today
But it was far from any cliché
The crowds were all surround
A hum of voice but barely a sound
Sitting, standing all around
A brightening, flickering, then it’s off
Behind me to a broken silence, a cough
A couple sit to me next
Careful, mindful yet so complex
To gather for this moment like objects
Each placed, yet none belong as one
On any other day we’d pass and we’d shun
All so different, but to witness the same
To share this moment from differences we came
To sit in this garden the flames do proclaim
Their dance, their leap, their fight to grow higher
Yet limited in the magic, this fire
Pots and metal cages leash in this glory
But each flame yearns to tell its story
And when I shall leave, I will be sorry
Left to reflect on a moment perfected
How we all could become so connected

It's Alright, Ma, I'm only Bleeding

2009-09-06T01:44:00.004-07:00

Sunday Lyric

So i first heard this song when Ingrid Olava sang it, and it was a brilliant song. I mean i haven't been able to stop listening to it and so i was pretty excited that one of my favourite singers was singing these lyrics. But then as i was searching around with it, i realized that it was only a cover song. But on the bright side, a Bob Dylan cover, and it's a brilliant song.

Although the masters make the rules

For the wise men and the fools

I got nothing, Ma, to live up to.

For them that must obey authority

That they do not respect in any degree
Who despise their jobs, their destinies

Speak jealously of them that are free

Cultivate their flowers to be

Nothing more than something

They invest in.

it's alright, ma, i'm only bleeding-bob dylan
This part of the song stuck out to me, although most of the lyrics i couldn't help but agree with but this one especially made me smile, and it amazes me that we can have such brilliant people see these mistakes of our society. Can see the greed, the selfishness, and the gluttony, and yet through the years we have not evolved. We have remained static, unchanging and yet i think the most important thing in our life to do is to change. Is to keep finding new ways to do things. To keep becoming a better society and yet we are stagnate, and the status quo is all we can achieve.

Personally i would rather pave my own way through life and stop listening to the masters who make the rules. I don't mean anarchy, i don't mean that we should have no leaders. Our society runs on those, but to find my own way so i can look back think that i chose my life on my own devices and not what society had dictated a person should be doing or should be.

To Wander

2009-09-03T06:41:00.008-07:00

Thursday's Photography

So sometimes i like to wander like a aimless drifter and during these times i like to take my old, 5 year old camera that i need to open the shutter every time i turn it on sort of camera, the one that has been with you on all your trips through Europe and you've dropped it a few times along the way. It holds memories just looking at the scratched surface.

Mind my not, a wandering vagabond soon to pass on

“I would much rather have regrets about not doing what people said, than regretting not doing what my heart led me to and wondering what life had been like if I'd just been myself.”

This last one was my personal favourites on my wonders around the city and i thought it would be a good way to leave off.

Right and Wrong

2009-08-29T16:02:00.005-07:00

Saturday's Topic

So i was in London today with my friends and we were in a park watching tennis. Two of my friends were eating lamb and this brought in the discussion of vegetarianism and meat eating. They got to asking me why i didn't eat meat and when i said that i didn't eat it because i couldn't stand that we slaughtered animals for our own benefit they cam to asking me if it was sinful to eat meat. In which, my answer obviously was not satisfactory because i don't they saw that there is a lot of grey area in which a person's own personal convictions play a important role.

I do not think it is sinful to eat meat, if a person wants to eat it, go ahead. I'm not the kind who will force my own ideology on another. Also i do not think it is, according to the Bible and God's plans, that it is wrong to eat it. There is technically nothing wrong about it from that perspective. But we are killing animals because they 'taste good.' That is the only defence i've ever gotten from a meat eater. That meat taste good and so they do not care if hundreds of millions of animals are mercilessly slaughtered each year so that we can satisfy our taste buds. What right do we have to kill them? I think it is wrong, but that is my opinion, i'm not that closed minded to think that everyone has to follow my own ideology. That is why we've had people like Hitler come to power. Everyone has a right to follow their own beliefs, and if it is simply they do not care, then so be it. I may not agree with them, i may hate that they think that, but i'm not going to condemn them for their own opinions. We have a right to believe whatever we want to believe and i'm not going to shove my own thoughts down someone else's throat.

This brings me to another point in the conversation, they seemed to think that me saying that i didn't think it was right, also meant that it was sinful. I do not think so because right and wrong is completely different from sinfulness. According to God's law's sinfulness is breaking his plans, breaking what he wants for his children. It is laid down, it is structured. Right and wrong on the other hand, can be interpreted in a number of different ways. What may be right for one person may be wrong for another, and vice versa. There is so much grey space in our life to say that if something is wrong than it must be sinful. This is not the case. I may believe that the woman deserves the choice when it comes to abortion, but that does not make me right. This is not a universal truth. It is right for me... but maybe not to the next person and who am i to judge them with their truth? It is the same with most things in our life, what i may believe to be wrong... is not necessarily sinful, just wrong in my own eyes. I can't speak for anyone else, that is not my place.

To Live not Survive

2009-08-28T04:45:00.005-07:00

Friday's Rambling

So i've finally come back home, to England. I've only lived here a year before now but i already have felt more at home than i ever have in Canada. Not that i don't love my home country, but there is something about England that i can't shake off. Over the summer i had the feeling that i could live without it, that i could continue my education back in North America, but then yesterday i returned to England and i realized that i could never pull myself away from here. The English culture is so amazing, and their is beauty in their old style of tradition and look. I don't think anyone could be in England and not feel the overwhelming sense that they are living in the past, or at least be overtaken by the strong feeling of past. You walk into a castle and all you can feel is that that centuries ago, a royal might have been there, in that very room they may have decided the fate of a traitor or held a royal banquet.

I find that the people here are a lot more open minded, they don't base everything on this materialistic desire that people in the States, or Canada do. They hold this strong sense of tradition and liberalism tight to their value system. They aren't afraid to push the boarders and aren't afraid to think, yet when i was in the North America for the summer i realized just how different people here are. I felt choked, and claustrophobic this summer, surrounded by this consumerism that had taken hold over the capitalist system. It's selfish, based on a me first kind of idea. It's pathetic how the ideology works, sure it works, but how well? Will we give up our humanity so that we can become more and more successful. So that we can thrive, get rich or die trying. Isn't that kind of what society is, a generic formula for living. But we are only just living... are we not alive? Coming to England i feel alive and really that's what should matter. To live, to die. To be happy and bring happiness to those around you. To find passion in life, to find life in the smallest of tasks.